The Bluffers Guide To….Star Wars Episode VII

Ever wondered what all those geeks in the corner were talking about? Never Fear! The Bluffers Guide is here to help. This time:  the new and upcoming Star Wars Movie!

Movie question!

Go on then.

Well, as this seems to be trailer season, what’s your most anticipated movie of the year?

Good question. Theres a certainly a lot of big tentpole stuff coming out way and a lot of it is franchise-based. Which always adds to the hype, because you know what you are getting ahead of time.

What do you mean?

Well, if you’re going to see, say, Jurassic World, there is a certain template there, that you’re going to see. Corporate types being eaten by Dinosaurs, that sort of thing.

Sign me up!

It is a key part of the attraction. It also means that the trailers can, if they want, tell you very little about the film, because the franchise itself comes with a certain expectation. The pinnacle of this, so far, is the new Star Wars film.

The trailer for that was ace!

True. But what was it about?

There was the Apple-designed Stormtroopers, and there was a beach-ball droid, and a guy with a scary lightsaber and then the Millennium Falcon, and…and…


Star-Wars-02-GQ_28Nov14_b_1083x658OK, I’ve not a clue what it was all about.

Yes, thats my point. The trailer for The Force Awakens doesn’t actually tell you anything about the film apart from yell “Star Wars!!” at you for a couple of minutes and give you some fleeting shots of the new characters.

None of which are Jar Jar Binks, at least.

Thats a cheap shot. Actually for all we know any of these characters could be the new Jar Jar Binks, as we’ve not heard any of them talk, and even their names seemed to be cloaked in secrecy.

I bet its fuelling a lot of rumours on the internet though!

Countless Millions. With so little information going around, and a huge interest, the gap is filled with all sort of theories as to who everyone is, and what their relationships are. Even the starting position of the movie – it’s 30 years after Return of the Jedi, so we can guess things have changed – is open to debate.

So what do we actually know?

Well, although not in the trailer, we definitely have returning parts for Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. There is an expectation – but no confirmation – that some of the new characters will be some sort of Solo offspring. They were a big part of the old Extended Universe, so it’s possible that they will be used in some way.

The Expanded Universe?

Yeah, the maze of books, comics, computer games, and all sorts of other stuff that existed prior to Disney buying up Lucasfilm. In effect it was a giant, unwieldy set of stories that have now been swept away so that they can start afresh.


Everything apart from the movies, and the Clone Wars TV series, yes. Theres a lot of babies thrown out with the bathwater, if you ask me, but at the same time if there are characters they like, or ideas they like, they can always re-use them.

Sounds like what Marvel do with the comic book movies, right?

I suppose so, although in theory all this new stuff, including new TV shows, computer games, books and comics, are all part of the same “official” canon, so we may still end up in an unwholly mess 10 years down the line. For now, let us just say they have free reign to make Episode VII about whatever they want.

So what else do we know then, apart from that anything can happen?

Well, we’ve seen Stormtroopers, X-Wings and the Millenium Falcon, all with slight redesigns. Visually at least, we’re in very familiar territory. There is a new sort of odd-looking droid. We’ve got a villian in a black cloak with a Red Lightsaber –

And silly cross guardsvideo-undefined-239354E000000578-110_638x360!

Look, Lightsabers are pretty silly weapons. I’m not sure a cross-guard make them more silly.

You think?

Yes I do. Actually I think the “fuss” about the Lightsaber has more to do with the knowledge vacuum we have than anything else. Anyway, on top of that we have a bunch of new characters, both good guys and bad guys, but as to how they interact, well your guess is as good as mine.

Do you even know which characters are good guys?

No officially but the early word is that the three you see in the trailer – John Boyega, Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac are all good guys, even though Boyega appears to be wearing Stormtrooper armour. But who knows, to be honest? After all, Disney/Lucasfilm have Epsiode VIII coming down the pipe very quickly afterwards, and a “stand alone” movie, too, about which we know even less.

Actually, I do have a theory.

Of course you do. Can I watch the trailer again before you start?

Of course!

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