“CATCHING UP” #6 – Zardoz

“CATCHING UP” #6

THE MOVIE:
Zardoz (1974)

DIRECTED BY:
John Boorman

WHY I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT:
A post-“Bond” Sean Connery in an outfit that would put the most scandalous fetish clubs to shame? This looks so abysmally camp-tastic that I’m surprised I haven’t seen it.
Also, “Zardoz” with a Connery accent is just plain fun to say. See? You’re trying it right now. I think, phonetically, it looks something like “Jcharrdojsh”, which, on its own, needs to be the title of a sci-fi movie.

DRINKING GAME:
It’s been a rough day. Coincidentally, I need to watch “Zardoz” for this column. What better way to solve these two problems than to turn it into a drinking game?
Now, usually one determines the rules to a drinking game AFTER watching the movie. This does not apply to me, so I have scoured the internet and assembled an amalgam list that will both A) get me good and drunk to a point where I’ll enjoy this movie, and B) not leave me regretting it tomorrow.

-A disembodied head appears on screen
-You see female bare breasts (drink twice if she’s riding a horse)
-Sean Connery changes outfit
-Naked bodies appear wrapped in plastic
-Sean Connery gets aroused
-Any shot of a person with boxer shorts on his/her head

Again, without having seen this movie, I’m hoping some of these apply. See you on the other side.

AFTER THE *hic* FACT (may contain spoilers):

(WARNING: Any spelling or grammatical errors occurring in this section are to be blamed on the beer.)

FIRST BEER FINISHED- 0:18:57
SECOND BEER FINISHED- 0:38:45
THIRD BEER FINISHED- 1:04:00
FOURTH BEER FINISHED- 1:14:12
FIFTH BEER FINISHED- 1:35:51
SIXTH BEER- SCREW YOU I’M DONE FOR THE NIGHT!

The rule that killed me the most was the boxers-on-head rule, as it occurred quite often, and was often combined with other rules (most often the disembodied head rule). The arousal rule more or less required interpretation. The lesson is, using terms a 4-year-old might use, “what makes Sean Connery’s peepee get hard” caused me to jump the gun a few times before mention was made of his lack of arousal.
This movie is one part Brave New World, one part A Clockwork Orange, one part Ayn Rand’s Anthem, with a minute touch of Green Lantern and The Rocky Horror Picture Show and a vast quantity of hallucinogens.
The set pieces and costumes were some of the most interesting parts of of this movie, in only the way that the 1970s low-budget, glam rock-era films could be. The story was somewhat interesting, but only in the way that all post-apocalyptic stories are: Where are we? How did we get here? Why the fuck is he wearing that thong? (For the record, though, these questions really aren’t answered all that well. Especially the one about the thong.)
That said, I highly recommend drinking to this movie. I’m sure you could get some sort of interpretive term paper out of watching this movie for a film studies or psychology class…but yes, drinking is more fun.
(I’m just thankful I wasn’t playing with shots.)

GS Reporter: Ed Delaney

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