Review: My Bloody Valentine 3D

If you cant polish it, make it in 3D

If you can't polish it, make it in 3D

Warning!!! There Be Spoilers Here! Enter At Your Own Risk!!

In the small coal mining town of Harmony, a collapse happens on Valentine’s Day leaving a group of miners dead and the sole survivor, Harry Warden, in a coma. When investigations start, it’s found out that Warden had killed his fellow miners in order to conserve air. A year later, Warden awakens from his coma and goes on a bloody killing spree up killing a group of teens partying in the shaft he was caved in and then being shot down like a dog. The movie begins ten years later as the survivors of the teen massacre. One of them, Tom Henniger (played by Supernatural‘s Jencen Ackles) has returned to sell the mine and accidentally rekindles old flames. Before he’s settled, the murders start up again and Tom is considered a suspect. Has Harry Warden return from the grave?

First of all, I’d like to say that I haven’t seen the 3D version of this movie, simply because it was not in my area. So I can’t be one of the cool kids and say how OMG awesome it is. Sadly, the 3D is pretty much this movie’s only saving grace.

A loose (and I mean loose) remake of the 1981 Newfie Canadian movie, the original had something the “remake” didn’t. Consistency. It was consistent in it’s storytelling and built tension. While the screenwriters say that they hearken back to those simpler, brilliant times, they’re further from the truth in this movie. This movie hearkens back to the later 80’s where if your body count wasn’t high, your film was going to bomb. While in the earlier times, tension was built between kills as well as characters.

The characters were unappealing as well. What made the original good was that you had a love triangle going on while the killings were happening, thus giving you fuel to feel for the characters. You got none of that in the remake. It all got rushed just so we could get that bitchin’ dryer death.

The direction was horrid as well. It’s almost robotic. Lessier just goes through the motions of any other slasher fare and just doesn’t give a damn. It’s paint by numbers with him.

What really peeves me out was the cop out ending. They go through all the slasher cliches possible ans somehow run out of brainpower and forget to give the movie a suitable ending. To make someone sit through sizzle and get no steak is stupid and ignorant. Especially in the Horror genre, where steak is always on the menu. If I were to put a story with that ending out, I might as well pack my bags.

If I did have 3D, I’d have given it two stars. I’m giving it one.

I’m also giving three dry slaps. One for the cop out ending and the other two because the idiot scriptwriters didn’t do homework.

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One comment

  1. Soulfinger /

    Nice review. i did want to watch this but only for the 3D effects.

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